Tuesday, August 23, 2005
sick joke
A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, comin right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air,blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
What the Hell
An Indian dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."
Banta Joke
Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: ........!!!!!!!
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: ........!!!!!!!
Lil Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
A blonde joke
A single, blonde, pregnant girl goes to the grocery store. A couple that she knows notices she's pregnant.
The lady asks her "Who's baby is it?"
The blonde says, "Well...I don't know they are going to do blood tests, but I think it's mine."
Chicks
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer ! John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he! saw the sign. It was painted on a sheet of wood:
______________________________________
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he! saw the sign. It was painted on a sheet of wood:
______________________________________
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for ! the chicks
____________________________________
Go slow and watch out for ! the chicks
____________________________________
Monday, August 22, 2005
Lil Johnny again
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!" .
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!" .
Test reults
A man suspected of SARS was lying in bed with a mask over his mouth when a young auxiliary nurse came to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replies: " I was to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
Just then, the Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles."
At this the man pulled off his mask and shouted:
"I SAID... ARE MY TESTS RESULTS BACK?!!"
Boss
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's spec
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's spec
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!
GBU
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with theBoss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
UGLY: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hairsalon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
UGLY: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
UGLY: You get a bill for HOSTING an adult website.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
UGLY: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hairsalon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
UGLY: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
UGLY: You get a bill for HOSTING an adult website.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
operation
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
Good Wife
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 95 votes..."
Then...............................
